Just in time for Christmas It’s A Porn Film Called I Saw Jesus Die

Oh my god, this is a bad film. Whatever your concept of low budget trash is, you’re gonna need a shovel to dig to a new rock bottom. Of course, it will offend Christians, that’s not hard to do, but this is so awful it will offend the porn community. I can’t imagine why it was made. If this film arouses you I suggest seeking immediate psychiatric assistance. I have provided two examples of the erotic aesthetics employed in this disaster below. Please forgive me but they had to be seen to be believed.

If you are looking for an accurate depiction of Jesus’ life you have come to the wrong place. We have already established that if you are looking to be aroused you have come to the wrong place so for all intents and purposes if you are watching this film you have come to the wrong place.

The bible is actually a perfect source for porn movies and bloody grindhouse fare. No book can match it for rape, depravity, and cruelty. I Saw Jesus Die is basically a jumbled mix of parables and quotes from the bible smashed together into an incoherent mess. Passages are not taken word for word. Ib Fyrsting, the writer and director of this masterpiece, had to water the Bible down considerably in order to make it palatable. If he had chosen to depict what was actually written in the book the movie would have been banned and he would have been carted off to jail.

In the film, Jesus explains to his disciples “it was very clearly explained in the law. For in the law it is written I’ll deliver you into their hands. And they shall tear off your clothes. They shall take your jewelry and let you stand naked. They shall gather a crowd against you. And they shall stone you and cut you asunder with their swords and carry out the lord’s judgment of you in the presence of other women.”

It’s cruel and gruesome, but if the Ibinator had used the Bible’s version this is what he would have been saddled with,

Ezekiel 23:25–27 — New King James Version

“25 I will set My jealousy against you, And they shall deal furiously with you; They shall remove your nose and your ears, And your remnant shall fall by the sword; They shall take your sons and your daughters, And your remnant shall be devoured by fire.

26 They shall also strip you of your clothes And take away your beautiful jewelry.”

Oh no! Not my beautiful jewelry! Take my ears and my nose and my remnant? but not my earrings! In the end, the Ibster chose something very tame in comparison. He only shows a naked woman being molested with a candle and then a sudden flash of a sword and it’s all over.

I Saw Jesus Die was made in Denmark in 1975. Ibby’s flick goes on to mention many bible standards, stoning, burning, castration but instead of traumatizing his audience by showing these acts he illustrates almost all of God’s holy laws by showing a couple having sex, or better said he shows two actors wrestling as if they have been tied together and are trying to get apart.

There is one such scene where Ibalicious chooses to be more faithful to the original. He accurately paraphrases what the Bible says about rape while we watch a rape unfold on the screen.

Deuteronomy 22:23–29 — New King James Version

“23 “If a young woman who is a virgin is betrothed to a husband, and a man finds her in the city and lies with her, 24 then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city, and you shall stone them to death with stones, the young woman because she did not cry out in the city, and the man because he humbled his neighbor’s wife; so you shall put away the evil from among you. 25 “But if a man finds a betrothed young woman in the countryside, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die.“

Keep in mind this sacred tome is the only moral bulwark standing between Western Civilization and atheists, Satanists, and vegans. Speaking of Satan she appears to Jesus looking like a low rent Vampirella and tries to tempt him by manhandling her vagina in poor Jesus’ face.

Eventually, Jesus gets crucified but when his head finally falls lifeless against his chest, the credits that we have been waiting so desperately for do not begin to roll. After the main character is gone the whole film turns into some kind of nonsensical fever-dream where everyone is naked and someone bites off someone’s penis, I think, and then this happens -

The whole sordid mess unfurls to the strains of Mussorgsky’s Pictures At An Exhibition played on a Moog synthesizer. They chose to set the Moog on the clavichord setting that Stevie Wonder so deftly popularized on his album Songs In The Key of Life. It says something strange about my base of knowledge that I am able to recognize Pictures at an Exhibition, passages from the bible, the kind of synthesizer Stevie Wonder used, and maintain an appreciation for 70’s schlock porn. Later when the fever dream starts they throw in a theremin too.

According to Thorsen Christian Isak of The University of Copenhagen, I Saw Jesus Die was the only film Ib Fyrsting ever made. As the first to allow porn movies into theaters Denmark had briefly been the center of pornographic cinema. By 1975 the Danes had lost the spotlight and apparently, there was a flurry of porn designed to create controversy and get some attention back. The Ibologist was not a filmmaker but a theater owner. Apparently making I Saw Jesus Die was an effort to cash in on a trend. It did not succeed. It is however available on DVD if you are looking for that last minute, ahem, stocking stuffer.

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I have an MFA in painting and I’m an art professor but I managed to convince the school to let me teach film. https://twitter.com/Filmofile1

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